I don’t know why I’m having such trouble writing these days. I suppose, after reading other people’s work, I just really begin to doubt my abilities. I especially wonder whether anyone could ever possibly enjoy my writing or find my writing style even half okay. I’ve been told many times that I’m good at writing but for some reason I’m just not convinced. This has also been holding me back from starting my own blog.So,if you’re not me and reading this then hooray ! I’ve finally done it. Go me! 🙂
Alrightie then, let’s move on to today’s topic.
A certain fear has been popping into mind, now more so than ever, to the extent that sometimes I feel like I’ll have a mental breakdown.What is it that I fear, you ask? Living a boring and completely predictable life.
This is how I see it; married in a few years, baby after a year, another after a couple more years and then dedicating my life to serving my family, forgetting all about any dreams or passions I ever had because family comes first right? Ughh I don’t know ,really. I guess I’ll have to put my interests aside so I can care for the kids because who will if don’t? Only travelling when the husband has enough money, and in today’s economy is that ever going to even happen? What about Bora Bora ?(lol) Will I ever be able to go there? Will I also end up with a typical Pakistani mard(man) whose only wish is for me to serve his family and keep their whinny selves happy ?Stuck amongst rishtaydaar (relatives) whose only job is to bicker and backbite ?
One thought after the other,I end up in a downwards spiral.
Will I not be aware of what’s going on in the actual world? Will someone ever want to discuss an intellectual topic with me or will I not even be speak if such a chance arises as I will no longer know of anything more than what is inside my home? Will I forget everything I learned at university because I spent 20 years just looking after my kids and then when they leave the house, I won’t know what to do with my life?
Gosh! This is exhausting.
I find it so hard to not lose myself in such thoughts because really some things are inevitable. I’m not saying that all these things are bound to happen, all I’m saying is that if they are to happen they will and all I can really do is ; form goals, work towards them and not let such thoughts get to me because really, I’m not in control of my life anyway.Allah is! And I’m sure whatever he has planned for me is far better than anything I could ever plan for myself.So,the best thing to do now, I suppose, is to place all my trust in him and see what life has in store for me.